From Ann Tyler, A Patchwork Planet:

“I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person.  Finally, you’re just with who you’re with.  You’ve signed on with her, put in half a century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better, and she’s become the right person.  Or the only person, might be more to the point.  I wish someone had told me that earlier.  I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.  I never would have driven [her] to leave me.” 

From C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity:

“The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all.  If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. . . .

But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense–love as distinct from ‘being in love’–is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God.  they can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other.  ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.”

DD loves salmon, which is great.  I want her to have an expansive palate, and we probably feed her way too much chicken.  But there’s a problem.  She’s still at the finger food stage, so she eats salmon with her hands.  And then pats her head.  And her face.  And spills salmon bits on her clothes (notwithstanding her bib).  The problem is that salmon, well, kind of stinks.  As a result, my loveable, squishy DD smells like salmon for the rest of the day!  Not sure how to fix this.  Perhaps the ponytail will help.

“The judge had awarded me alimony that was less than I was used to getting for household expenses, and now I had to use that money to pay bills I’d never seen before: mortgage, taxes, insurance and car payments. And that princely sum was awarded for only four years, the judge suggesting that I go for job training when I turned 67. Not only was I unprepared for divorce itself, I was utterly lacking in skills to deal with the brutal aftermath.

“I read about the young mothers of today — educated, employed, self-sufficient — who drop out of the work force when they have children, and I worry and wonder. Perhaps it is the right choice for them. Maybe they’ll be fine. But the fragility of modern marriage suggests that at least half of them may not be.”

In my pre-baby hubris, I smugly told myself I would never be in that situation. I never planned to be a SAHM.  Fast forward a few years and I am at a job that pays a lot, but isn’t going anywhere. I read those stories titled, “Are you going to be laid off?” and realize I fit all those warning signs.  I could switch into a full time job (my current one is theoretically 4 days a week), but I’m not sure I want to do that.  Instead, I think, perhaps, that I would rather just stay home.

In searching for the prior article, I found this one.  It’s another story of a SAHM, this one gave up a successful career (just as I might) to be at home with her children.  Her life changed when her husband walked out the door and they divorced.  Should things go poorly with DH, I certainly cannot say that I was not warned by the NY Times. 

But I realized that it’s all about the Cheese.  My DH encouraged me to read Who Moved My Cheese a few months ago.  I realized that the only thing keeping me from quitting my job was fear.  But fear is just fear, and if you keep on being afraid and not moving, you’ll never find your next Cheese.  There is a lot to be fearful of.  Will I like it?  It’s hard to be a SAHM, I’m not quite built for that in the traditional sense.  What if I want to come back to work after 1-2-5-10 years?  What if my DH dies or we get divorced?  What if he loses his job?  What if? and What if? 

For now, all I can say is “We shall see shan’t we?”*

* From the Hallmark Movie version of The Secret Garden.

Instead of buying used clothing or toys, I came home with several yards of cute fabric with visions of DIY-ing something adorable.  Except I’m not that crafty.  So instead of saving money, I spent money on something that I was very unlikely to use.  Doh!

Until now.  I saw this on Ohdeedoh and I think it will be perfect way to adorn our baby’s room.  And bonus!, it’s earthquake proof.  The blog post shows that I can use liquid starch to attach the fabric to the walls.  Since I already have the fabric, all I need to get is the liquid starch!  So that’s my plan, we’ll see if I actually get it done. 

But we made it through!  And I nursed pretty much exclusively until I went back to work when DD was 6.5 months old.  I pumped at work until she was 9 months old.  And now that she’s 10.5 months old, we are finally weaning the evening feed and will probably follow with the morning feed in a week or two. 

This comes with some sadness, I had hoped to make it to 1 year, but we won’t make it there.  I’ll miss the intimacy and cuddling that comes with breastfeeding, but as my DH reminded me, this is just one more step of separation that begins at delivery, and that includes starting school, going to college, and getting married.  Sigh.  I’ll miss it, but I’m proud that I was able to provide breastmilk for my baby for almost eleven months!

* Notwithstanding the fear of formula that was taught to us, I actually love the Pump Station.

1.  It’s like a big bucket on the inside and I can never find what I’m looking for without sifting through my stuff forever.  And I always find stuff on the bottom that I had forgotten I put there.

2.  The fabric is almost too pretty and hard to keep clean, especially when it gets put on the ground (which it does/will all the time).  PPB has a waterproof fabric that I wish I had gotten instead.

3.  The velcro, the velcro!  It’s just loud, it wakes up sleeping babies, and when your baby is awake and you need something to give to her in the middle of church/wedding/etc, you need something quiet!

So this week, I went web-surfing for a new diaper bag.  And I think I found it:  the Skip Hop Studio Diaper Tote.  It arrived today and I will update this review once I’ve used it.  But I’m most looking forward to these attributes:

1.  It’s a tote.  So there’s no fold over flap to mess with, or velcro for that matter.  And because it’s a tote, it’s relatively shallow and it’s got 7 interior pockets, and several more outer pockets so everything has its place.

2.  And another benefit of being a tote, is that it’s easy to put stuff in when you’re on the run.  In addition to my PPB, I also carried a canvas tote bag that held all my running-out-of-the-house-sippies-and-whatnot.  I would like to consolidate.

3.  It’s black and water resistant.  I used to live in New York.  Black is good.  Bag looks stylish as well.  In fact, they should make all purses like diaper bags, with 14 organizing pockets, and insulation.  Hm, maybe I’ll use it for work instead.

And then I nursed her, as I do every morning.  She was a little whiny in the morning, but not too out of the ordinary.  But when her nanny arrived, DD wanted to go to her and not with me.  DD actually fussed loudly when I held her, and calmed down a bit when held by her caregiver.  I know I’m a working mama and it is actually a good thing that DD loves her nanny, but I was crushed and my feelings were hurt.  In my selfishness, I wanted DD to prefer me!

We eventually determined that our poor DD was hungry!  She hasn’t been that into her formula feedings lately and I’ve also been weaning slowly and trying to work out and lose some of this pesky baby weight.   The combination of low formula intake and decreasing milk supply caused her to be hungry at the unusual time.  Since our nanny feeds DD when she gets there, DD probably thought nanny = food and mommy = no food.  This does make me feel a little better, but I’m still smarting.

Then I received from disappointing news regarding something I had hoped to get, but I didn’t.

And then I got home and during dinner, my DH got upset about something I did, perhaps with some reason, and thus I bathed the baby and got her ready for bed by myself.  I also nursed her, like I normally do, but she wouldn’t nurse!  She kept on wanting to play and cried when I put her on the boob — my milk supply must be much lower than I thought!  Which is yet another disappointment, I want to continue to nurse her until she is a year old.  We’re almost there; she’s 10.5 months old!  (I think I need to choose between dieting and nursing.  I would really love to lose the weight, but my body needs the calories to make the milk!)

I know these aren’t tragedies and I am lucky to have my family, but all together, I’m in low spirits this evening.  Hoping for a happier, sunshine-y day tomorrow.

Westwood Branch Library, 1246 Glendon Avenue, Los Angeles, 90024

Baby Storytime is at 11:30 AM on every other Tuesday

Toddler Storytime is at 10:30 AM on every other Tuesday

Despite this lack of cooking, we made it a priority to make most of our baby’s baby food, and we’ve done a pretty good job, at least I think so.  We got the Beaba Babycook, which is the world’s greatest baby food maker (and totally worth the $$).  We steamed and pureed basically every type of fruit or vegetable, froze them in our Baby Cubes, and served them up to our hungry babe.  And we continued with our takeout and Sunfare dinners.

But now our baby eats real food that can’t be frozen ahead, a week at time.  And we don’t necessarily want to feed our 10 month old the takeout food we’d normally eat.  So we are slowly, but surely, incorporating cooking into our lifestyle.  We do not have grandiose ambitions, just the hope of cooking simple healthy menus and to save some money in the process.  And since we only need to cook as well as our baby can eat, our skills can grow with our baby (we hope)!